Rants : Bill of Rights

2 May 2003

One of the primary thrusts of my social philosophy is that individuals have the right to do almost anything they choose so long as it does not cause damage to other people who are excercising the same right. However, there is a disclaimer involved: Just because someone has the RIGHT to do something does not necessarily mean that he SHOULD do it nor does it suggest that he is free from any ramificantions which might arise from doing so.

For example, people have the right to accost complete strangers in the street and nag them about smoking. However, these same indivuduals must realize that doing so might not produce the exact result ("You're so right. I'm giving up the habit right now on your recommendation. Thank you so very much.") that they'd anticipated.

Activity Performed

Potential Consequence

Going hiking in the Sierra during a snowstorm.

Death.

Talking about what happened last night on "American Idol" within earshot of other people.

Mandatory one week exposure to good television and one month exposure to actual talented performers.

Acting as a human shield against a moving tank.

Death.

Listening to bad techno at top volume in a convertible idling next to me.

Death.

Smoking pot and then attempting to have an intelligent conversation.

Uproarious laughter from anyone nearby who isn't stoned.

Wearing stupid, ugly reproductions of bowling shoes which cost $150 at Nordstrom.

Public humiliation by the good taste squad.

Deciding (after one's groceries have been rung up) that one misses the good old days and wants to write a check at the supermarket.

Pummelling by broccoli.

Doing the above when there are twenty people in line behind one.

Pummelling by frozen ham or corned beef brisket.

Doing the above at the "cash or ATM only" express lane.

Death.

Using the word "hella" if one is over 21, the word "yo" if one is a middle-class white guy, or the phrase "don't be a hater" if one is, well, anyone.

Being forced at gunpoint to read age-appropriate literature.

Conversing on one's cell phone during a movie or lecture.

Seeing cell phone smashed into a million tiny pieces. Or death.

Camping out at 55MPH in the passing lane on the freeway.

Toyota enema.

Reading the Examiner from cover to cover on a daily basis.

Brain rot.

Wasting too much time in the Castro.

Delusions that rainbow flags and white tanktops are tasteful and positive aspects of American culture. Brain rot.

Asking to "borrow a cigarette" from a stranger on the street who has just worked eight hours to pay for the one pack he has.

Death.

Making a smart comment after this stranger doesn't provide a cigarette.

Death followed by desecration of remains.

Exiting a bus through the front door when one is neither elderly nor handicapped, and when there are five people waiting to get ON the bus through the same door.

Mandatory sterilization.

Allowing one's child to run around a store screaming and bothering other customers.

Seeing the child's picture on a milk carton.

Ringing people's doorbells at 8:00 on Saturday morning trying to interest them in "The Watchtower" or "The Book of Mormon".

Seeing one's own story dramatized on "America's Most Wanted."

Walking three abreast with one's closest friends on a narrow sidewalk.

Severed friendshsips. Or arms.

Taking fifteen minutes to order a hamburger at Burger King.

Becoming part of tomorrow's hamburger at Burger King.

Spending too much time watching Fox News or reading the Drudge Report.

Paranoia. Gullability. Public humiliation.

Pondering the potential Democratic challengers to George Bush in 2004.

Suicidal depression.