I think my recent rants about SF may have given the impression that I don’t like it here very much anymore. I may even have said as much somewhere; I can’t recall. I’m now serving notice that it ain’t true. I still love the city, despite all its faults. I will say that I’m concerned about the direction it seems headed in, and that I’m just not sure I like the company it’s keeping lately. I will also admit I am considering leaving Sodom-by-the -Bay for a number of reasons, only some of them related to the city itself.
But I still have an unbelievable love for this place. I care what happens here. Enough so, I might add, that I feel the need to criticize things which are just plain wrong. Maybe my romantic love has turned into a parental sort of love. That said, I will add that I’m trying to look at things with a more balanced eye and to start once again occasionally observing some of the things which I love.
I couldn’t find my wallet for a few minutes yesterday. The frustration almost moved me to tears. Tonight I was cleaning up my room. My impatience with the never-ending pile of stuff actually DID move me to tears. I sat on my bed, looking at piles of paper and dirty clothes and started sobbing. I put my head in my hands and began bawling. It was scary…
So what the fuck is going on here? Dirty clothes don’t usually affect me this way. I’m not the type who spontaneously combusts at the slightest provocation. This is not normal behavior.
What thoughts ran through my head? Well, mostly I kept pondering the fact that I’m a 33 year old chain smoker with a beer gut, living in a tiny little apartment about two steps up from squalor, working part-time at a job I could do in my sleep, and suddenly realizing that at this “ripe old age”, I have absolutely no more idea what I’m going to do with my life than I did when I was ten.
It was not a particularly pleasant state of mind.
Being an aimless slacker may be cute when you’re 25. Jeez, an entire media culture and demographic profile has developed around it. But when you’re reaching your mid 30’s, it becomes damn near pathetic. And scary as hell.
I’ve been in a rotten mood all weekend, Maybe it’ll get better tomorrow. Right now, though, I keep looking around this dark, microscopic little apartment and I think I’m gonna scream. Of course moving out of the apartment would mean moving out of SF, since the only way I can even afford the current hovel is through rent control. I’ve been living here five years and the place has never seemed quite so unpleasant before.
But tonight, as I tried to sort through and rearrange all the physical shit, I kept conjuring up assorted emotional shit at the same time, and the two shits combined were overwhelming. Maybe a little Pepto Bismol…
And I can’t seem to focus on anything lately. Right now, I’m in the process of reading four different books. I’m working on three different big projects for Planet SOMA. I can’t seem to commit completely to any of them, so all the projects and the books (and the email) are just sitting around in various states of completion, waiting patiently for me to give any of them a respectable amount of time.
I won’t even discuss the fact that I almost have to force myself to leave the house lately. Or that I seem to be screamingly impatient with everyone and everything when I do. Or especially the fact that I didn’t even watch “The Simpsons” tonight. If I did that, someone (like me) might get the notion that I’m depressed. Couldn’t have that…
So before I get even whinier, I think I’ll just go to bed. At least I’ve managed to remove all the dirty clothes that were covering it.