Alone at 2AM

It’s 2AM. I’m in a very odd (and not altogether pleasant) mood. And I’m going to have to wake up from it without benefit of my Sunday morning In the Heat of the Night marathon on TNT, a staple for very many years. I am not happy.

Saturday night at the queer bar. I’m now at home alone. Which would usually be a good thing. And it’s probably a good thing tonight too. But (you knew there was one coming, right) I ran into two ex-tricks who could have been ex-affairs or even ex-boyfriends tonight. One of them was very recent, while one dated back five years or so.

I probably would not have been tremendously happy with either one as a long-term mate. All the same, sometimes I get really pissed at myself for not pushing these things a little harder. Is it an absolute necessity that I go through the rest of my life in relative solitude (even though I adore relative solitude above most other things) just because there’s something just a little bit lacking in everyone I meet?

Ex-trick number one was a long-distance affair from way back. We had lots of fun when he was visiting SF, but lost touch when he moved here. He was way too far down the chemical path for my tastes, even though I liked both him and the sex very much. Tonight, we didn’t even acknowledge each other’s presence. I didn’t much care, but it did get me thinking about 1995.

Ex-trick number two only goes back a couple of months. I liked him a lot, but my inner voice said “don’t pursue too closely”. My inner voice says that a lot. We talked a lot tonight, but we were already past that moment. I had a nagging desire to bring him home, curl up next to him all night long, and make him grits for breakfast. But even if he’d been interested, not otherwise encumbered, etc., I probably still would have flaked on most contact following his Sunday morning departure, just like I did last time.

And I’m not sure why. I like the guy. I don’t really want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I like him all the same. I should have tried a little harder. Sometimes it might be nice to watch Sunday morning television WITH someone, even if it’s not necessarily with your lifetime soulmate.

But then I remember how I love spending Sunday mornings (and most of my other waking hours) alone and I wonder if that will ever really change. I guess I’d better make a little room before I think about letting anyone else in…