I think what I was getting at is that I need to remember how to be a contented single person and to learn to like myself again. I used to do that really well. Without ignoring the fact that being married changed my outlook in many ways–most of them for the better–I need to remember that I did pretty fucking well on my own too. I was once happily, gloriously, and unapologetically single. In fact, I think that independence used to be one of the more appealing aspects of my personality, and ironically enough may have been what attracted Mark to me in the first place.
I need to get that independence and sense of individuality back and focus on what’s good about me rather than following the easy option of blaming all my problems on outside influences. Yes, a lot of sucky stuff has happened to me in the past year. Boo hoo. Whining about it will not change a bloody thing for me. Blaming my parents for getting old and sick and cranky and blaming my ex for not wanting our lives to continue according to plan does not one single thing to improve my life. It just allows me to make excuses for my own unhappiness and to harbor resentments against very good people who love me and have on the whole treated me very well even when behaving in ways I sometimes didn’t like.
As I was saying to a friend at dinner tonight, I really used to enjoy my own company. I don’t find myself very pleasant to be around anymore, and I imagine I’m not the only one. And I want that to change. I’m hoping spending some quality time with myself in a different environment will be sort of a reboot and that I may even learn how to have fun with myself again. I am someone who needs very much to enjoy my own company before I can even begin to think much about enjoying the company of others.
I hope It will work. I think it will. And even if not, I’ll get to shop at Loblaw’s a lot. That’s always fun, anyway…