To say that the last three years have been really tough on me would be a pretty colossal understatement. Don’t believe me? Try losing three of the most important people in your life (two of them are technically still around but in a much altered format) while simultaneously trying to build a new career and pretty much rewrite all the rules of your life. It’s not easy. There were many times–more than I let on even to my closest friends–when my thoughts got pretty fucking dark.
I probably should have sought help earlier than I did. In retrospect, though, I think I handled it all pretty goddamned well. Did I spend a lot of nights curled up in a little ball on the couch barely able to move? Yes. Were there entire weekends when I felt completely paralyzed by everything I needed to do and instead just ate pizza and watched “Adam-12” reruns on Netflix? Damn straight. Was I incredibly angry and resentful about how my life had been so negatively impacted by other people, all of whom I loved but none of whom had given me any say in the matter? Oh yeah. In fact, I still am sometimes.
But you know what?
- I could have lost my sense of humor. Somehow, I didn’t.
- I could have gotten really self-destructive and lapsed into all sorts of bad habits and really stupid behavior. Somehow, I didn’t.
- I could have just given up and said “the hell with it.” Somehow, I didn’t.
All of which makes me realize that I’m pretty fucking incredible and pretty fucking sane–at least in relative terms. I somehow managed to do some incredible things at work, to begin eating healthier and lose weight, to find some new things that make me happy, and to reconnect with some old friends. I still wouldn’t say I’m especially happy. I continue to feel a little overwhelmed by life. The next steps for me involve letting go of the past, finding more things that make me happy, eliminating things that make me unhappy, understanding my strengths and limitations, and regaining control. Oh yeah…and seeking help when needed.
Or that’s this week’s plan, at least.