Searches and Labor Day

OK, extra special quality points to whoever sent me a detailed message sometime this month by entering it as queries on the search page. It came out a litte disjointed and out of order, but that added to the appeal. If you change your mind and try to find your Inner Boyfriend, please let me know…

And to anyone else who has the same idea now that I’ve mentioned it: it’s been done already…

I think this month’s best search would have to be a tossup between “big chokechain mambo pussies” (probably a joke) and “homosexual black metal ring” (probably not, alas). Also, my undying affection goes out to the hungry soul who searched for “pot roast”.

Lots of work for me this Labor Day weekend. Sites to be designed, sites to be redesigned, and more, all in a valiant attempt to maintain my upscale lifestyle in America’s most overpriced urban region. In other words, I’ve got Rice-a-Roni bills to pay.

And I’ve got to get ready for my annual “ridiculously long but that’s the way I like it” road trip, which will now have North Carolina as its midpoint, as I’ve decided to surprise my Mom and Dad on their 50th anniversary. Itinerary coming soon.

30 August 1999

No. I don’t, actually…

But I do confess that I have now tried canned collards and much to my surprise found them to be passably good. I’m a little embarrassed to admit this.

I’m even more embarrassed to admit that this is the most exciting thing I could write about, despite a five day absence from my little blue, yellow, and white corner of the world. Let’s just say it’s been a low-key week.

I actually got a lot done. On Thursday, I helped give birth to a brand new bouncing baby website. That’s always fun, especially when they bring beer.

I’ve also been working on a little project of my own, which is nowhere near completion, but you can give it a sneak peek if you like. Be forewarned that it’s in progress and may not work too well. If you check it out and have anything to contribute, please give me a yell.

Other than that, I’ve been doing absolutely nothing of much interest and finding it pretty damned pleasant, thank you. I promise to be more interesting soon, and (once again) to try and catch up on the email this week.

Pigdog

“What’s Planet SOMA?”

“Some website. S’posed to be good for ya. Wanna try it?”

“I’m not gonna try it. YOU try it.”

“I’m not gonna try it. Hey, let’s get Pigdog!”

“He won’t read it. He hates everything”

Narf, narf, narf…

“He likes it! Hey, Pigdog…”

I’m off to Fresno for the weekend now. There may be side trips to exotic locales like Clovis and Los BaƱos and Modesto. There will most assuredly be thrift stores and diners and cheap motels. I have not yet decided whether to add drama to the lives of another couple, but if history is any sort of predictor…

See you tomorrow.

The Birthday Bash

Interesting idea, huh? I turn 35, have dinner at a classy dive on Powell Street, and invite all comers. It’s the sort of thing which could be either truly creepy or tons of fun. Of course, the fact that it was both self-obsessed and self-indulgent rather goes without saying.

I really didn’t think many people would show up. It was windy and foggy. It was a Tuesday. It was scheduled for a great but little-known restaurant on a block few locals ever visit. But people came! Thirteen to be precise, four of whom I’d never even met before. It was pretty damned cool and not creepy at all.

As I waited out front with Sarah, in an effort to make sure my blood’s nicotine level was in the acceptable range, people showed up one by one, and we all waited patiently in line for din-din, since (of course) there was a long line at Tad’s for the first time in recent memory.

We pretty much gravitated to the exclusive upper room, where one feels much more intimately connected to the red velvet wallpaper, as most of the downstairs tables were taken. It’s just different upstairs: no naked cherub light fixtures nor serving line noise. It’s also hotter than hell.

Sarah and Brad were there, as were Grant, Barry, and Trixie. Mark and Eugene and David, Spike and Becky and Jamie (who managed to find her way here even without email) all joined in the carnivorous delight. Tim dropped in to say hello. And at the and of the table sat the keeper of my favorite website, who I dared not photograph.

The grand total: four domain names, ten boys, three girls, three Okies, two reformed Southern Californians, five reformed Southerners (depending on how you count), four reformed Midwesterners (depending on how you count), and lots of random chick peas on the vinyl tablecloth.

And I got presents. I wasn’t supposed to get presents. I’m not complaining. Not when I have Count Chocula handed to me with a bow on it. Nor will I complain about festive and colorful iced tea glasses with cool fruit ice cube thingies (which probably have a better name) nor even the Elmo alarm clock which now wakes me with teh theme from Sesame Street. Nope…no complaints at all…

After dinner, the remaining eleven of us made the leisurely stroll down Geary to David’s Deli for dessert. The hostess (no doubt sensing what was afoot) emptied the Celebrity Room of old people before seating us there. Everyone sang to me and requested a speech. Everyone soon realized that I’m much better with a keyboard than a mouth.

I drank coffee. David’s is one of the few places I do this, mainly beacuse when you order coffee here, they don’t ask “what kind?”. This choice of caffeine at 10PM would later haunt me.

After desert, five brave souls remained for the walk to Hole in the Wall at Eighth and Folsom, where I was kept out way past my bedtime. This would explain why it took me two days to post these pictures.

All I can say is thanks. It was great. Everyone seemed to enjoy it. People talked and mingled and everything, more so it seemed than even at most “traditional” parties. And not a single business card was exchanged.

There will be a repeat performance. The Tonga Room comes to mind. It should at least be photogenic…

Birthday Bash?

So in an effort to boost my sagging spirits, I’m thinking of having a public dinner gathering for my upcoming 35th birthday. No, this doesn’t mean free food and drinks all around. I’m a poor starving web guy, after all. What it means is that I would choose a suitably seedy dive, announce a time and place, and hope lots of complete strangers show up.

Of course, I’d have a few close friends there as backups. I’m no fool. I’m not about to risk spending the evening completely alone…

Is this idea (a) brilliant, (b) stupid, (c) incredibly self-obsessed, or (d) just plain pathetic? I’m not sure. Sarah likes it. Dan likes it too, but he’ll be out of town. Anyone interested? Gifts are neither required nor solicited…

Potential sites include Tad’s Steaks on Powell, Ye Old Pizza Joynt in Hayward, and the Doggie Diner on Sloat. The Pizza Joynt would be my first choice, but it’s a little remote. And unfortunately none of the above have smoker-friendly bars nearby (that I know of). A nearby bar, I feel, would be a nice touch.

Anyway, it’s just a thought. Nothing definite yet.

Naked Gay Sex Gallery Pictures

I will admit that a secondary motivation behind adding a search engine to my site six months or so back was the idea of checking out what people searched FOR. And it’s been a hoot, let me tell you. I have enough stuff now to steal Larry-bob’s concept from a couple of years back. The only difference is that his discussed ways people found him through external searches (like Yahoo). The following are searches people did from WITHIN Planet SOMA.

Of course, the sex-related stuff tops the list, both in frequency and level of humor. There are the standard searches for just plain “sex” (and just how stupid are people who search based on this one common word and believe they might actually find anything useful?). There are also searches for all those generic activities like “rimming”. “watersports”, “cbt”, “piss”, “scat”, and the ever-popular “anal fucking big cocks”.

Some of the searches are just plain baffling. Among my favorites:

  • “gothic people from Mobile, Alabama”
  • “truckerhawk”
  • “0893915491”
  • “hangman breath control strangle”
  • “hotels in alexsander city in alabama”
  • “A68JMT”
  • “knights templar”
  • “texas tombot”

And some, obviously come from people who wandered in via another search engine and just had no idea where they were. What else could explain “juicy pussies”, “motels near Sea World Ohio”, and “1997 ranger”, not to mention “roach clips” and “chainmail”.

There are also lots of lost souls seeking the dirty pictures (or “diety pictures” as one patron typed it) which haven’t existed here in a long time. Lots of searches on “pictures”, “sex pictures”, “nude pictures”, etc. And someone keeps searching for something called “gallaries” over and over again. I have no idea what these are. A lot of people also seem to be shooting (pardon the pun) for naked pictures of me, through a variety of search queries which wouldn’t work even if there were any naked pictures of me on the site.

It’s sort of funny realizing that most people have no idea how a search engine works. For example, a search for “nude pictures of the editor” would return nothing but pages which feature the words “nude”, “pictures”, “of”, “the”, and “editor”. But still people try, with queries like “where is Tiogia Street” (I have no idea, by the way…) as if Planet SOMA were a magic 8-ball or something. No wonder people complain that they can never find anything on the web.

The obvious typos are fun, like “abacadero street” (The Embarcadero?), “tear room” (tearoom?), and “carol dodies” (Carol Doda?). I’d really love to meet the Renaissance man who sought the “folsum street faire”. I was also fond of “sheamales”. I envision a very special fraternity of guys who frequent Shea Stadium on alternate Sundays. I liked “pia 39” too. Is that Pier 39 with a southern accent or a quest for a story about Pia Zadora’s birthday?

My friend Dave would like a word with those who searched for the “dorey alley fair” and the “dori alley fair” (inside joke…)

And, if any of the following people (none of whom I know from Adam’s house cat) are reading this, be forewarned that people are searching for your names on my site. I’m not sure why:

  • John Bollard
  • Angie Arrien
  • Kathy Valent
  • Ray Dragon
  • Dick Fritz
  • Rob Thorworth
  • Ira Glass
  • Brad Paul
  • Daryl Walker
  • Lisa Perazzo

But my favorite, I think, is the individual who wanted to find “ladyboy bars”. Brother (or Sister), please let me know when you succeed. I wanna check one of those out myself.

28 July 1999

Haven’t been doing much writing lately except on the journal side of the page. Look to your left under “recently added” and you’ll see what I mean. There hasn’t been anything really new and noteworthy there in almost three months (since I Want My Recession Back). I’m not sure if this means that I need inspiration or that I need to take a break.

As if I haven’t been taking a break already.

I guess it’s just that I’ve been really moody lately and I fear that if I write anything more than these easy journal entries (which have been coming pretty regularly), it might sound either whiny or more bitter than usual. Plus, I think my attention span has suffered tremendously as a result of the restlessness and general uneasiness about life I’m feeling lately.

Closely related is the fact that I need to get out of town very soon, whether for a vacation or permanently. I haven’t really been anywhere since Christmas, which is an exceedingly long time for me. The time just hasn’t seemed right, what with all this year’s changes at work and at home, etc.

Anyway, I’m going to try to write more, or, barring that, get rid of that damned “recently updated” section. I’m also going to try to stop sitting around the house doing nothing (but wondering why my “to do” pile keeps growing). Maybe the latter will have some impact on the former.

As it stands now, though, I’m making no promises that I’ll get better about answering the email

16 July 1999

I guess that’s what I get for thinking out loud. Several people got the impression from last night’s entry that I’m leaving San Francisco right now. It ain’t gonna happen that fast. There are nagging little details (like a job, for example) to work out. For all I know, I may be sitting here next year this time. I was talking more in terms of a long-term goal than a short-term strategy.

Sorry… I thought I was just re-stating the obvious. In other words, what I meant was that I’m not planning to spend the rest of my life here. Nor even the rest of my thirties…

That segues nicely into the subject of my upcoming birthday, doesn’t it? I promised about a week back that Irma would be providing a list of appropriate birthday gifts. She’s feeling a little under the weather today, so I’ll just do it myself.

My Birthday Wish List:

Of course I’m not really expecting any gifts. the above are provided more as a glimpse into my obsessions this month.

If you’re really feeling generous, just wait for the upcoming Planet SOMA Pledge Drive, where I’ll be unveiling my best stuff of the year and then interrupting it every fifteen minutes to exploit your guilt at not yet having donated. I’m currently looking for phone bank volunteers and people to produce cute inspirational promos.

I figure I should be able to pull in lots of people who used to contribute to KPFA.

Site Update

Just finished a semi-major reconstruction of Planet SOMA. Chances are you won’t notice any particular differences, but it will make things a whole lot easier for me to maintain the site. There are about 400 pages and 2000 graphics on this site. Anything which makes maintenance easier is a good thing, no?

Here’s what I did:

  • Removed a number of oudated or rarely-visited pages and their associated graphics. This is to make room for expansion and new stuff I’m planning to add later.
  • Moved a number of pages to new locations. This will make maintaining the site about a million times easier for me. Unfortunately, it will make some people’s bookmarks cease to work. I’ve tried to add redirects where possible.
  • Fixed all the broken links WITHIN the site. This will not affect links to sites OUTSIDE Planet SOMA. That’s a task for another day.

Minor implications over the next day or two:

  • Some pages or graphics may take longer to load initially, as the cached copies in your browser will no longer be current. This is temporary and may not be a factor at all.
  • If you linked in from another site, the page you’re looking for may have moved. I’ve tried to redirect, but I haven’t done this for all the affected pages. Feel free to search the site to find what you’re looking for, but remember that my internal search engine will not be updated until I’ve finished uploading the new stuff.

Sorry for any inconvenience or traumas. If you run into anything that doesn’t work, please let me know.

8 July 1999

So I’ve decided to put the mid-life crisis on hold, at least until my birthday. Irma will be posting a list of appropriate consolation gifts soon, as you have only 33 shopping days left.

I’m too damned busy this week to have a crisis anyway. Aside from work, I’m also noticing that this week seems to be “Take Planet SOMA Seriously Week”. I’m honored, if perplexed, that anyone really cares what I have to say.

At the risk of sounding “full of myself”, here are a few examples:

  • There was my recent “revealing” interview and review in Nightcharm. That was fun.
  • Time Magazine (wow…talk about “legitimate”) currently has a link to my former Harvey Milk page on its site.
  • In the past few weeks, sections of Planet SOMA have been featured in two Yahoo “Full Coverage” pages: one on gentrification and one on SF’s Gay Pride Weekend.
  • In the past two days, I’ve been approached to do two interviews on the “gentrification in San Francisco” issue.

The mind boggles, no? The big question, of course, is how I can make all this new-found fame (or notoriety) help pay the rent? I’ll accept any ideas other than those saying I should pose nekkid again. Oh, what the hell. I’ll listen to those too.

Maybe I should just take a nap and ponder on this for a few minutes. Or maybe I should just take a nap. Period.

While I’m asleep, feel free to check out today’s links du jour:

Maybe more when I wake up. but I doubt it. I’m usually pretty groggy…